Recently during a session, a client commented, “I actually look forward to this time with you.” We joked about the fact that for a family and couple therapist, that’s about the most glowing review one could hope for.  

From chiropractors to massage therapists, there are many professionals who enjoy unambiguous enthusiasm from their clientele, for their services offer nothing but pleasure and relief. Couple therapists...we’re generally not so lucky. Seeing us on the calendar often inspires dread—and a scramble for creative excuses to cancel. 

And why shouldn’t it? Every scary topic you and your spouse have been avoiding, all the resentment you’ve leaked out in subtle jabs but have worked so hard to never really talk about, the hurt you’ve experienced that you’d never dared to lay bare to the person you feel has caused it...any and all of this positively terrifying material might see daylight when you come to therapy! 

As both a couple therapist and a divorce mediator, I’ve seen how these patterns play out—both in people trying to heal their relationships and in those trying to end them. Most people assume these couples at the end of their rope have tales to share of juicy scandals and egregious betrayals. In reality, the story is typically much less dramatic. Most marriages don’t explode—they erode. Resentment builds slowly. Loneliness creeps in. Warmth fades. One day, you realize you're more like roommates than partners. 

Bogged down by work and spread thin by children, when conflict or tension emerges in a marriage, the thought of making life more stressful by carving out time to talk to a stranger about it (and paying said stranger!) is easily dismissed. The idea of tackling these issues is replaced by more convenient thoughts, like: 

“I’m sure it’ll just take care of itself.” 

“It must not be an issue anymore because she hasn’t brought it up.” 

“It’ll just make everything worse if we talk about it.” 

Or the old classic, “this is just how marriage is, and I need to accept it”.  

When you find yourself in a situation like this, the truth is, there’s no easy path forward. The question you must ask yourself is, “Which hard path do I want to choose?” Avoidance is one brand of suffering. It’s “the devil you know.” It’s suffering you know you can tolerate because that’s what you’ve already been doing. On the other hand, actually addressing ugly issues with one’s partner is something we seem to think we might, in fact, not survive...or at least it might bring a kind of discomfort we can’t anticipate.  

With avoidance, the future is fairly predictable: you’ll likely either suffer in this familiar, tolerable way until you die, or until it becomes unbearable and the relationship crumbles.  

If instead you have the courage to face these conversations, express yourself fully and be willing to listen, as uncomfortable as it may be, you give yourself a chance for growth, for reconnection, and for healing.  

Which hard path do you want to choose?  

If you’re ready to try the brave path—the one that might just lead to change—we’d be honored to walk it with you.