In our previous article, you learned best practices for how to break the news to your children that you’re getting divorced. Let’s now take a closer look at how different ages and developmental stages factor into the conversation—because while divorce affects the whole family, how you support your child can vary greatly depending on their age and understanding. 

Infants 

While under the age of 3, children won’t have the cognitive ability to fully comprehend "divorce." What they do understand, though, are the attachments they have to each parent and the sense of safety they feel in their daily routines. That’s why consistency in their day-to-day is especially important. Keeping bed and nap times, mealtimes, and regular contact with each parent steady can help reduce the disruption they experience. Infants and toddlers are also highly attuned to the emotional states of their caregivers. Tending to your own emotional well-being isn’t just good for you—it’s one of the most powerful ways you can support your little one through this time of change. 

Preschoolers 

Between ages 3–5, children are starting to develop their own sense of identity and becoming more aware of family dynamics. At this stage, it's not uncommon for children to believe they somehow caused the separation. They may express confusion, worry, or even guilt. Reassure them often and clearly that the divorce is not their fault, and that both parents will continue to love and care for them. Use simple, concrete language to describe what’s happening and focus on what will stay the same. For example: "Mommy and Daddy won't live in the same house anymore, but you will still see both of us, and we both love you very much." Keeping routines steady provides the stability and reassurance they need. 

Early Elementary 

As children move into the 6–8 age range, their cognitive abilities allow for a clearer understanding of what divorce means, though they may still hope that their parents will get back together. They may also feel responsible for the divorce or worry about being abandoned. Children at this stage benefit from space to share their feelings openly and regularly. Invite questions and respond with honesty and gentleness. Acknowledge their emotions—whether it’s sadness, anger, or confusion—and remind them that all their feelings are okay. Structure at home and school, paired with emotional attunement, can help them feel grounded as they adjust. 

Preteens (9–12 years) 

Preteens often have a more nuanced understanding of relationships and might feel a wide range of emotions about the divorce. Some may align with one parent, act out, or feel embarrassed around their peers. Others might bottle up their feelings and appear unaffected, even as they wrestle with big emotions inside. At this stage, it’s important to create a space where they can talk openly and without judgment. Validate their thoughts and experiences—even if they don’t match your own. Let them know they’re not alone, they’re not to blame, and they’re still deeply loved. Keeping your promises, following through on routines, and staying emotionally available can provide steady reassurance during a time that may feel uncertain.  If your pre-teen isn’t opening up to you, encourage them to talk to friends about what they’re going through.  Social support can go a long way towards them feeling seen and understood. 

Teenagers (13–18 years) 

Teenagers are capable of abstract thinking and may see the divorce in light of their developing beliefs, values, and experiences with each parent. It's not uncommon for them to become intensely curious about the "real" reasons behind the divorce. While they might ask adult questions, resist the temptation to overshare. Instead, model respect for the other parent and emphasize the importance of maintaining healthy relationships. Teens may seek independence or try to keep their feelings private—while still needing your presence more than ever. Approach conversations with empathy and openness. Let them know their perspective matters, even if you can’t fix everything. Encourage healthy outlets like journaling, talking with trusted adults, or engaging in creative or physical activities. Watch for signs of distress like isolation, loss of interest in favorite activities, or sleep difficulties—these may indicate deeper struggles that a counselor or therapist can help with. 

No matter the age, children benefit most from feeling heard, loved, and safe. Divorce is a major life transition, but with thoughtful communication, empathy, and consistency, you can help your child navigate this change with resilience and confidence. You don’t have to be perfect—just present, patient, and loving.